I wanted to share my own health story summed up to give some background to this blog.
This all started for me when I was 11 and I was first diagnosed with a gastrointestinal disease called Gastroparesis. The next couple years of my life I would be trialing medication and testing to help aid in me feeling better.
A year later, so summer of 2020 I had severe stomach pain and would spend nights throwing up and this made me very depressed and struggle with suicide. I didn’t want to be alive like that but somehow God saved me from that!
That next year I battled more symptoms along with stroke like migraines and so I had all my testing done over again only to come back normal.
This was a time where I was angry at God because I didn’t understand how such a loving God could put me through so much at such a young age. Me cutting God out lasted till the summer and while on the outside I assured everyone I was okay I deep down was not. But later that summer God met me where I was at and revealed something to me. He revealed to me that this world he had created was perfect before we broke it. He revealed that while we question his faithfulness he remains faithful. He showed me that this broken world was not my home and that while I was here he would promise to use my suffering for good. I literally remember laying on my floor telling God that if I followed him he needed to use me like crazy, and he has answered that prayer ever since.
The following year I continued to battle health issues but I just lived my life and rebuilt my faith. While everyone else was focused on my health and solving it I was focused on the one who truly knew what I had. And this gave me great peace and acceptance for a while.
This last September I went through the most pain I had ever experienced and caused me to be in and out of the hospital for weeks with no answers. My body felt like it was dying and I truly believed I would not make it longer. I had a surgery and many tests and procedures done but again everything came back normal. But this went from weeks to months quickly. Looking back it is blurry but one thing I am confidence in that time is that God carried me the whole way. Times when I would have ended it all he was there assuring me that it will not be a waste he will use it. I didn’t make it to school and I starting having to cancel so much to be able to sleep. While I still have all my friends it is different and I feel like I am living a complete different life, which I am. I have been to Denver twice and have come back with no confirmed answers but they believe I have fibromyalgia. While it would be nice to have a diagnosis it is also hard to know that this is something that most likely will define a lot of my life. It may be something more so this month will look like more testing and medication trialing.
I chose to write this on one of my harder health nights and where I found myself again questioning where God could be found in this. When I feel like I’m loosing it and I ask again, God why can’t I be healed, why can’t this be taken away when I know you have the power. But then I realize that if he has the power to do so and isn’t, there is some very special reason. And I remind myself how he promised it will never be a waste.
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂