Author: presenceinpain

 I always strive to be a positive and uplifting influence in the lives around me By doing this I try and find little things during my day that I can look on when I think of that day. I keep a jar by my bed where each day I write down the highlights of my day so that when I feel more negative I can read through them. While we could sit and think about the hard things in our lives all the time we should be looking at what God has provided us with. I know many people who struggle with chronic illness struggle with loneliness but God has blessed me with amazing people in my life. I have never felt alone in what I walk through and I am forever grateful for that. God has always provided me with his word to study and the ability to pray which is something many have not had. But above all he has blessed me with the amazing gift of salvation, he reaches out and pulls me to himself when I have strayed. He has loved me more than I deserve and he has never been near to me. Let us live our lives in a positive light and let God shine through the pain and the hurt. 
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

The past few weeks have tested me in so many ways. I was put on a medication that put me through a level of pain I have not experienced before. It was so bad that I rarely left my house and was not given relief from it for many days. I refused to even open my Bible once, which is rare for me recently. I struggle a lot with anxiety with my health and the fear of my pain worsening. I follow a blog that shares information about fibromyalgia and the post I read this week listed out what I should expect and should know about my sickness. As I read of a woman’s story she explained how she was diagnosed 15 years prior and currently has lost her ability to drive, work, and take care of herself. As you can imagine this has not left my mind even for a second since reading it. Everyone’s story is different and everyone’s pain is different but I personally have had no idea what to expect one day. I think for me it is so hard because I have so many goals and dreams. There are so many things I want to accomplish and do and it makes me realize that I most likely won’t be able to do everything I want to. But then I realized, who does though? Just because some people expect to be able to live normally it doesn’t mean they will. As this week is closing I have decided that while I may not do everything I had planned, I can trust that I will do everything God had already planned for me to do. While sickness is a shock to us it never is to God. When he created me he knew exactly what I would face and he made me in a way to be able to endure that. And for me that hope is what has helped me currently and i know that will carry me through life. Now as I look to my future of unknown I am sure of who I am in Christ and who my God is. So if you have struggled with any anxiety facing your future and what is next, rest in the peace that God will guide you and protect you always. 
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

I wanted to share my own health story summed up to give some background to this blog. 

This all started for me when I was 11 and I was first diagnosed with a gastrointestinal disease called Gastroparesis. The next couple years of my life I would be trialing medication and testing to help aid in me feeling better. 

A year later, so summer of 2020 I had severe stomach pain and would spend nights throwing up and this made me very depressed and struggle with suicide. I didn’t want to be alive like that but somehow God saved me from that!

That next year I battled more symptoms along with stroke like migraines and so I had all my testing done over again only to come back normal.

This was a time where I was angry at God because I didn’t understand how such a loving God could put me through so much at such a young age. Me cutting God out lasted till the summer and while on the outside I assured everyone I was okay I deep down was not. But later that summer God met me where I was at and revealed something to me. He revealed to me that this world he had created was perfect before we broke it. He revealed that while we question his faithfulness he remains faithful. He showed me that this broken world was not my home and that while I was here he would promise to use my suffering for good. I literally remember laying on my floor telling God that if I followed him he needed to use me like crazy, and he has answered that prayer ever since. 

The following year I continued to battle health issues but I just lived my life and rebuilt my faith. While everyone else was focused on my health and solving it I was focused on the one who truly knew what I had. And this gave me great peace and acceptance for a while. 

This last September I went through the most pain I had ever experienced and caused me to be in and out of the hospital for weeks with no answers. My body felt like it was dying and I truly believed I would not make it longer. I had a surgery and many tests and procedures done but again everything came back normal. But this went from weeks to months quickly. Looking back it is blurry but one thing I am confidence in that time is that God carried me the whole way. Times when I would have ended it all he was there assuring me that it will not be a waste he will use it. I didn’t make it to school and I starting having to cancel so much to be able to sleep. While I still have all my friends it is different and I feel like I am living a complete different life, which I am. I have been to Denver twice and have come back with no confirmed answers but they believe I have fibromyalgia. While it would be nice to have a diagnosis it is also hard to know that this is something that most likely will define a lot of my life. It may be something more so this  month will look like more testing and medication trialing. 

I chose to write this on one of my harder health nights and where I found myself again questioning where God could be found in this. When I feel like I’m loosing it and I ask again, God why can’t I be healed, why can’t this be taken away when I know you have the power. But then I realize that if he has the power to do so and isn’t, there is some very special reason. And I remind myself how he promised it will never be a waste. 
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

I felt prompted to write this after a conversation with one of my best friends who also struggles with chronic health issues. She said to me, “It is so hard to see people being healed and not have it be me.” This is something I do struggle with from time to time but I want to share what has helped me with it. I think what is so hard is that in the Bible when people were healed he often said, “Your faith has healed you.” I have questioned myself many times if the reason I’m not healed is because I do not have enough faith. It can be very confusing when you feel like you weren’t picked when you feel like you should have been. An example I like to use is when Jesus was on earth many would gather in lines to be healed. As you can imagine almost everyone around would come with their sickness but because of the amount there was Jesus did not heal everyone there. I think it is easy to dwell on all who were healed in the Bible and forget about all those who weren’t. It was not because there wasn’t enough time but because Jesus knew it wasn’t their time yet. I’ve had many pray healing over me and I have complete faith God could heal me but he has also made it extremely clear to me that my time of healing is not now. Yes I do pray for healing every day and I do hope for it, but it doesn’t consume my life. I can have such a beautiful life even without that moment of healing on earth because I know I have a beautiful and perfect body awaiting me in heaven. God is so worth of my praise even in the toughest of times. He is worth the pain I have to experience on this earth because he endured much on earth as well.

-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

I know one of the challenges I have face is feeling like I am not enough or doing enough for God when I can’t do certain things. A question I have really wrested with recently is, why would God take away my ability to do things that benefit or glorify him? Why would God make me so weak in front of so many people? I have always been someone who wants to look strong to all those around me. I always wanted to be able to do everything myself without anyone’s help. I have now been exposed in my weakness to so many people and that has taken away my pride. And while many would see this as a loss see this as a win in my spiritual journey. God never intended us to think we could do this life on our own. This new spiritual attitude has helped me to be so much more real with people and honest about where my strength comes from. While many of us would admit our strength comes from God, we don’t credit God for things we feel we’ve accomplished on our own. And when he takes that away it is a good reminder that without him we are nothing. And this isn’t something I have achieved I still struggle with it a lot because it goes so against our human nature. But I have prayed that through my weakness that God would not only grow me but that he would also help me to encourage others to feel enough for God when they aren’t able to do what many around us can. All God asks us to do is glorify him so if that looks like you praying to him from a bed, that is enough for him.
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂