Author: presenceinpain

We can so easily get caught up in what we wanted, what we had planned. For me this year was going to be the first year in 5 years that would be somewhat normal for me. The doctors thought they had found a treatment that would get me to where I always wanted to be. They promised me a complete recovery and without realizing it that became everything to me. In September my world was shaken as everything I had planned was now far from what would be. Going from working out everyday and spending all my extra time working and hanging out with friends, to laying in a bed for months, it wasn’t exactly what I would have personally chosen. If I would have written my story I would have never suffered with chronic illness, I would have never put myself in bed for months while a lot of my life slipped away. But this is how God wrote it and I trust that somehow this is a much better way. We want control, being a complete control freak myself I do not like the feeling of loosing control. Not that we ever have it but when things go our way we feel like we have some control. Looking back and looking to the present I have seen so much growth in my own life. I have grown in my boldness with sharing the gospel, I have grown in my love for the Bible and prayer, and I have grown in how I react to hard situations. Even when life is not what we wanted, we can trust that God is going to work through us and around us.

-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

I think I can speak for most people who struggle with chronic illness when I say that the mental state it brings you into is the worst part. I can handle constant pain in my body, but when my mind fails me I struggle the most. In the past when life would start to get hard I would loose control of my mind and I would face constant attacks on what I knew to be true. I would constantly hear, “How is God all he says he is if he is putting you through this.” I would be faced with great doubt which would cause me to distance from God sometimes without me realizing it. Overtime my heart started believing what my mind was telling me and I lost sight of who God was. I didn’t know what I believed in anymore because who I wanted God to be was not aligning with my own situation. Once I realized what was happening to my once strong faith, I spent countless hours studying the Bible and writing out in a journal about who I knew God to be to prepare for the attacks.

I remember six months ago when my flare up started and I was in the hospital laying in the bed thinking, if my mind is overtaken again I do not think I will be able to make it through. I had always prayed for physical healing for myself but at that time I instead prayed that God would protect my mind from words of the devil. As I felt the pain worsen over the next months I dealt with fear of my mental state worsening. While I have days where my mind deals with doubts and anxiety, overall God has answered my prayer for the protection over my mind. And I encourage you to pray this prayer over your own mind as well! 
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂

Spirit filled worship is not only for crowded rooms and buildings. God has been testing me recently to continue to worship him even when I can’t make it to worship nights or to church in person. He has tested the depth of my worship with him even when no one is watching. I now have the most spirit filled worship in my room every night as I listen to my worship music through my speaker. Just because some nights i’m not able to stand, I  can still raise my hands and kneel before God. I find myself very emotional when God makes his presence known through worship in a crowd or in my room alone. Not only is God in our hearts, HE IS IN THIS ROOM! 
-𝓜𝓪𝓬𝔂